The Canine Collection of Poems

Those Damned Giant Schnauzers: The Sequel


On this Christmas Day won't you lend me an ear
I'll tell you a story about holiday cheer
The idea of Christmas is giving and sharing,
with family and friends and of course time for caring.

We'll start around midnight, it's now Christmas day
with most of us dreaming and sleeping away
There's one fellow working, delivering joy
his parcels are great for a young girl or boy

It's One and he is finished so what does he do?
He thinks up a scheme so he stays out past Two,
My wife thinks I'm working, he says to himself
I'll have just one swig from this jug of "Red Elf"

It's three and he's tipsy, this bringer of cheer,
It's what you expect after four jugs of beer
Now Rudolph is thinking, "Just where are we going"
This jolly guys drunk, and the brew just keeps flowing

Now Santa starts thinking, although not quite clear,
I made a mistake and it's been two whole years
I think I'll go back and I'll visit them now
I think they deserve it, I just don't know how

I'll park on the next block my sleigh won't be seen
I'll sneak in the back way I know their not mean
The last time they nabbed me 'cause I wasn't slick
But this time I'll show them why I'm called St. Nick

The plan was so simple he knew it would work
The drink had him woozy he stumbled and smirked
They're sleep and I know it he thought this was true
But Santa, poor fellow, had forgot what we knew

That Giants are crazy, they're handsome and tall
The schnauzer of schnauzers, the biggest of all
There are nine in the house, and a snookered Kris Kringle
Well, you do the math...let's just see how they mingle

He slipped down the chimney he dropped off the pup
Then back to the same route to shimmy back up
To no ones surprise, he spotted the grin
Of Versace's white teeth and his bearded black chin

He turned to the back door, and fell for the bait
If I slip through that door then I'm out through the gate
He stumbled and mumbled oh boy, that's my fault
Oh no, not again...not those Pepper and Salts!

His eyes opened wide, as Rico came near
And soon came to realized the worst of his fears
The sound of cloth ripping, from someplace so dear
And the warmth of the dog breath that steamed up his rear...

... Well, off go his pants, so what happens now?
He bolts for the back door, he makes it somehow
He swings the door open, turns back and he shouts
"You won't get me this year", he thought he was out

his feet grabbed beneath him, he's down in the snow,
It's Pushkin and Sirius, their ready to go
It's one boot then two, no socks for this cad
Now bare assed and bootless St. Nick is quite mad

He stands to face Ava, quite cold in his glory
his coat, from behind, snagged by Gus and friend Lori
Somehow, with all this from my slumber I wake
What the hell's going on? how much noise can they make?

The barking, the growling, the hell is the matter?
A butt naked fat man? Is he the mad hatter?
Oh no it just can't be, I thought he was through
Where the hell is his clothes, what the heck did he do

Now you won't believe what ol' Claus said to me
He was drunk as a skunk this was easy to see
He tipped off his hat said "it's only me Dude
I told you I'd come back, I promise, you're screwed"

I'm not screwed I shouted, I expected the pup
I suggested he run before Hercules woke up
I stood there and pondered, while petting my cat
Then I said "What the hell, Ulf...go fetch me his hat!

The look on his face at the schnauzers approach
Then jingle and jangle Claus jumps in his coach
With one schnauzer "death shake" the hat is destroyed
Way up in the air Santa's reindeer deployed

One challenge with schnauzers said Santa while sneezing
Is how to give presents with no asses freezing
Two lessons I've learned from two years of attacks
Is to watch Giants Schnauzers, keep spare suits in back

I'm not really pissed, he begins to explain
It's one night for me, a whole year is insane
He starts to fly off, the suit he puts on
The old one is tattered and mangled, it's gone

You won't be so happy, he laughs while he reasons
You'll deal with those dogs while that bitch has two seasons
They won't listen to you, they'll all act like jerks
And when they piss you off, you'll see how it works

And that's just for starters, you're going to say ouch
When you see what pup does to you and your couch
So while your tormented by what puppy's done
I'll just bring another near 2001!!!

By Tim Nyx



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