The Canine Collection of Poems

Those Damned Giant Schnauzers: 2002

You all may have heard of this story before
The breed our dear Santa has come to adore
Though not without mischief and danger it's true
He feels like he's ready for 2002

With Christmas upon us, it's dark and it's night,
So jingle and jangle the sleigh takes it's flight
Now Santa, his toys, and eight tiny reindeer
head south from the North Pole to work his way here

In Finland he found something quite unexpected,
Two Pepper & Salts and the folks they've protected
Taiga and Wanda hugged Tina and Max,
The sight of it all made ol' Saint Nick relax

He barely got in when these two P/S bitches
ripped up his gift bag and one leg on his britches
He ran through the snow but was one second late
so a nip from the Schnauzers was his ultimate fate

Well ten seconds later he hovered above
his face all contorted and shaking his glove
The next time I come I won't go through the gates
I've seen this before in the United States

These dogs come in black and this pepper-salt shade
first Standards, then Mini' why were these made?
Since Schnauzers read minds Miss Taiga said then,
"He's leaving now Wanda, so let's go back in!"

Now Santa is hot, man, he's steamin', he's mad
Those damn Giant Schnauzers, why are they so bad?
The kids leave me cookies; adults leave me booze,
Sometimes I can sit down and take a quick snooze

So why don't they give me just one little break?
They've figured out every damn move I can make
I'm back in the States so I'll try it again
I think they're asleep, don't know where to begin

He stops and he pauses, "I know what to do."
He bangs on the chimney, not one time but two
He knows he can always confuse and confound
yet no dogs are barking there isn't a sound

He enters with caution, he's done this before
It's down through the chimney and out on the floor
On Rico, on Denzel, now Ulf starts the tally
It's Fox, and then Lori and.oops! there goes Halle

The coat, hat and pants rip as boots leave his feet
Now Santa is dazed and he's out in the street
He's stumbling and tripping and dropping things down
now Zora comes running to chase him around

He gets to his sleigh and he's laughing again
I knew what could happen before I went in
I must be a glutton for punishment though
'cause each year I stop here this happens you know

The drama continues since Schnauzers are slick
They always have fun when they play with Saint Nick
The magic of Christmas again starts to show
His clothes are all mended it's starting to snow

The sleigh rises quickly, the jolly one yells
"Those Damn Giant Schnauzers!!" while jingling his bells
They make the trip worth it, I'm off with no fear
I'll see you all later, say this time next year

by Tim Nyx

Back to Poem index