The Canine Collection of Poems

Those Damned Giant Schnauzers


Got up this morning there rose such a clatter.
Seems all the Giants bark loud, "what's the matter?"
I stumble and grumble in a daze down the hall
It's 4 in the morning...I bounce of the wall

I'm sleepy and tired but I must move quick
the neighbors know damn well this noise ain't St. Nick
So out through the back door the cold airs a blast
my arms sprouting goosebumps, my hands, feet, and ass!

When to my suprise the barking does cease
I notice some red pants, they're not in one piece
a black boot lay mangled, the thought does occur
is that an old dog toy? or some kind of fur?

The chill of the night, the glint in the snow
I swear I hear sleighbells, but don't really know
my wife sleeps through all this, it did not arouse her
then someone starts yelling, "those damn Giant Schnauzers!!"

I look to the sky, and what do I see
an angry old fat man he's pointing at me
the scene look so strange, what's with this old coot?
he's up on my roof with no pants and one boot

Do my eyes deceive me? Could this really be?
Is Santa Claus angry? He's yelling at me?
I brought you some presents he starts to explain
but those crazy guard dogs they must be insane

I talk to ALL animals but these, they don't care
I slid down the chimney, I tried to be fair
the black ones, they warned me, they barked, meaning halt
but what the hells wrong with those Pepper and Salts?

They didn't say one thing and they didn't wait
I popped out the chimney and fell for the bait
then Santa stared at me, his face got all red
He pointed at Rico and here's what he said

It's that one, that bastard, I saw him last year
I should have remembered he counted reindeer
My sleigh is too large, your roof was too steep
I parked in your backyard, I thought he was sleep

I should have just skipped you, I think I'm too nice
the black ones, they chased me, and not once but twice
That big one, yeah Quintus, he chewed my back cushion
the Black Russian bit me, I know his name, Pushkin

That silly one there, he acts like a wolf
he pulled off my pants, yeah that one there, Ulf
The Doberman, Hercules and Sirius as well
They snatched off my right boot and chewed it to hell

I'm not coming back, lets make this quite clear
what's pissin' me off is I said that last year
These Giants, they're crazy where ever I go
They act like there sleeping, I don't really know

But this I can tell you and matter of fact
those crazy ass Giants don't know how to act
I get here, I park it, so how in the heaven
do eight tiny reindeer become only seven?

I've traveled the world, and delivered my wares
but when I see Giants, their acting like bears
my elves won't go near them, Miss Claus she gets pissed
and no "normal" person puts one on their list

With a snap of his finger the sleigh starts to rise
He turns and looks at me with fire in his eyes
Oh don't think its over, he raises his fist
This whole things recorded, tell the Cybergiant list

You Giant folks listen, he told me to write
He said tell them all that the next Christmas night
prepare for the onslaught, and do heed his call
there will be some puppies for each one and all!!!!

~~ Tim Nyx



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