12. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.

11. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus, and I am from Mars.

10. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

9. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.

8. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask- wearing freak does to us when no one is around.

7. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

6. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush my butt.

5. Always scoot before licking.

4. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

3. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter- clockwise this year.

2. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31st: Re-live victory over the sock.

1. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.